What it means is that I don’t want to continue with this blog anymore. It became a chore, and I need a change. I have a new blog, but I won’t be announcing the link. If you know me well enough you’ll be able to find it.

xo

For the past three or four weeks there has been one fantasy on babykat’s mind. Scratch all your typical play fantasies, and enter babykat’s mind; nightly hypnosis, triggers and a growing addiction to Mummy’s voice. It’s not often her fantasies lack physical play but, she’s becoming a real hypnoslut. Blame Batling’s perfect voice…

It’s almost as if masochism has taken a back seat with babykat’s growing fascination and addiction to hypnosis. And sure, it does make S/m play with Batling a whole lot more intense anyway. Even just a completely clean chat with Batling on the phone produces a reaction in babykat’s pussy. Picking up the phone and hearing the voice that guides her into a trance, the only voice that can make her nervous and full of sick excitement at the same time… the voice that orders her to cum. She can’t disassociate Batling’s deadly ‘I know exactly what’s in that mind of yours, and I’m going to torment you with it’ voice with her ‘how’s your day been, sweetheart?’ voice, and as a result hearing either makes her rub her pussy down against her panties and imagine that voice in telling her what a whore she is. Batling’s voice is the sweetest poison, and babykat feels very lucky knowing that such a voice belongs to her Owner.

Introducing triggers into trance sessions has stepped mind play up another level, taking it beyond simple suggestions or ‘lessons’ that affect babykat’s day-to-day life. Triggers give Batling that element of complete control over a decision babykat would otherwise have made herself. Which, of course, is what babykat had signed for when she nervously wrote her name at the bottom of her Slave Contract. She belongs to Batling now, and Batling can take as much control over her as she wants. Whether that be her orgasms, when she’s allowed her toys or when she goes to bed. It’s Batling’s to take.

Babykat felt really proud when her first trigger came as a surprise towards the end of a hypnosis session. She’d been at that stage of trance where she was aware it was being given, but not really the effect it would have on her. But it was that little switch Batling had installed inside her that made babykat feel completely special. She wanted to tell people, point out that nobody else could trip the switch, how only Batling could produce that particular response. She wanted people to know she now had no choice over that decision. What a hypnowhore.

Her second trigger came about exactly for that reason. Babykat wanted to have her right to cum taken away from her, because she wanted Batling to have even more control. She’d never felt so safe, loved, really owned before. Of course, she’d never been owned real-time before, so it was natural, but she still had trouble hiding her delight.

It was around that point that babykat realised she was a pretty big fan of mind play. Sure, she’d been reading thisgirl’s blog posts on the topic and been interested, but it had still been far from passionate. And the scared feeling had turned into an excited one, which is probably just what happens when the something new is with somebody you adore. Especially when it’s their passion too. Babykat had just been given the trigger (come on, did you think she would tell you it?) that would deny her the right to climax she’d been so used to taking for granted almost daily. But that’s the thing. She has no right anymore. She shouldn’t touch her pussy without permission, let alone take herself all the way to climax. Batling owns the right to touch babykat’s pussy now. It’s Batling’s climax. Maybe that’s why she takes so much pleasure from listening to babykat cum on the phone?

In fact, babykat is probably lucky that she doesn’t have to ask permission for anything else, like to go and use the bathroom, or to wear underwear during the day. Oh god, now babykat’s mind is filled with thoughts of having to ask Batling if she could go, and the humiliation she’d feel. Or to have to ask her each night for permission to wear panties the next day. Oh god, bad babykat. Stop thinking.

She’d never admit it to Mummy directly (oh wait, she reads her blog..) but she’d love exactly that. To let you into a secret, she does have this fantasy about complete control. Food, water, bodily functions.. the lot. Of course, it’s probably one of those things that will end up only staying a fantasy, at least for now. She isn’t sure she could cope with it for more than a few weeks at a time anyway.

Babykat had this thought a couple of weeks ago. She stressed herself out, wondering how on earth she was going to remember any more triggers. But of course, hypnosis isn’t about remembering. In fact, she’s realised just how much better it is if you can’t remember. Your Owner says something, and hey, you feel completely different. No awareness of why, how to change it or when it’ll switch back to how you felt before. That’s the way it’s been with babykat’s most recent hypnosis sessions with Batling. Subconsciously, hypnosis has felt much deeper. It isn’t like before, when she wasn’t comfortable enough to let herself relax completely. Babykat learnt to let herself space out from the distractions around her and let the voice in her ear become her everything long ago. This is different, and inexplicable. No decision or realisation made babykat shift from half remembering what’s been said, or at least the topic during trance. Even after relaxing into her first trigger session she still felt like she had to put a bit of effort into being hypnotised. As in, surely she should study every word to ensure they’re going into her mind, like when she’s revising for a test?

Oh no, that’s not what hypnosis is all about. Being the subject of a hypnosis session has one overriding meaning.

Surrender. Giving up your control over your mind.

This was, in a sense, something babykat knew. Batling was going to tap into her mind, adjust the way she thinks and leave her none the wiser. But it still shocked her the first time.

The first time was when Batling called for a live hypnosis session. That was what had been the subject of babykat’s extensive fantasy. Hearing the voice she craves speaking the first words of the structure she’s so familiar with. Her response, the burning need that starts between her legs and over-sensitizes her whole body as Mummy’s voice flows through her. The reality didn’t disappoint. What followed after was an intense, teasingly drawn out play session, the kind that makes babykat’s heart skip a beat as she thinks back about it. The element that was tying everything together was the incredible connection she felt with Batling. Different to anything before. Batling had a whole new level of control, knew it, and completely used it to her advantage. And babykat was only vaguely aware of why. If you asked her now, she couldn’t identify what made her feel so different. But it must have been a trigger, right?

Babykat had taken babykat into some deeper level of trance. She’s told her that much. And for the first time, babykat couldn’t remember what had been said to her during that live session. Racking her mind now, she can’t even remember finishing rubbing letters off the chalkboard. It’s no longer being aware of her limbs and not being able to move them. The only way she can describe how she remembers feeling is as if she wasn’t even inside her body. As if it was just her mind and Batling’s voice, nothing else. She wasn’t even aware she was breathing, and even as Batling took her into the first level of trance, to the point where she’s asked to open her eyes and it’s so so difficult that the only thing she wants in the whole entire world is to hear Batling tell her to close them. She knows how shallow her breathing was then. Tiny, baby breaths, as if her body didn’t need the air. And then the memories stop.

Since that session, babykat hasn’t been scared. Even though every single session, she’s felt this way. Asleep. Gone. That’s a good word for it. She won’t even have her usual visualisation of climbing the stairs back to reality as Mummy counts her up. She’ll wake up for the last 3, 2, 1 and have no recollection of even which mp3 she’s listened to.

Classic conditioning: a form of associative learning involving a neutral stimulus along with a stimulus of some significance. Through the conditioning process, the individual is trained to associate the neutral stimulus with the significant stimulus. The end result is, in anticipation, a behavioural response to the neutral stimulus, as if it were the significant. See wikipedia.

Babykat mentioned to Mummy that she might write a blog post about conditioning. It had been on her mind since she’d come across the original Pavlovian classic conditioning routine at college, and couldn’t help relating it back to blog posts she’d read about conditioning in a D/s relationship. This post is going to replace the conditioning post she would have done, but if you’re interested both these links are very informative. See here and here.

So maybe babykat’s interest sparked an idea for Batling’s live session? Babykat knows that certainly something said made babykat much more aroused, before she began touching herself. Is babykat going to be trained to cum on command for Mummy? And babykat’s fluttery stomach is back, just like that. See what thoughts about Batling do to her? The way she tells babykat to cum for her as she approaches her orgasm, and how that just pushes her over the edge, hearing that Mummy wants it, filled with a desire to please and be a good whore. Imagine if a word was to do that to her? Somehow, when it’s a word that could be used equally in normal conversation, the way it affects your mind is much more significant. Not only does nobody else know the trigger, but nobody else knows the implications when just that one ordinary word is said. In some ways it’s humiliating. To have become so controlled, and such a whore that it isn’t even something dirty that pushes you over the edge. But babykat likes being humiliated.

The newest fantasy on babykat’s mind is Mummy’s latest project. For which babykat is to be the research subject. But she hardly knows anything about it.  Just that she’s in love with her devious hypnoDomme.

Babykat can no longer remember how many triggers she has, or what it is Batling has control over. It’s an automatic response. Babykat is being conditioned the way Mummy wants and loves it. She’s her hypnoslut.

1. Why do I want to belong to Batling?
Batling isn’t just my sadistic Domme. She’s my best friend, my girlfriend and my hypnotist. We connect on more levels than I ever could have hoped for, and she knows exactly how to read me. Batling has the most addictive, emotive voice and she’s developed hypnosis with me in the most intense way. It feels as if I’ve known her years rather than months, and she’s already mastered pushing my buttons. Hell, she’s created some of my buttons. There’s nobody that has ever made me happier in a vanilla or D/s relationship. She’s the sweetest, wisest and most loving person I know, and she treats me like a human rather just than a playtoy. I want to belong to Batling because she’s my heart’s desire and babykat’s addiction.

2. Things I accept about me.
I am never going to be really skinny, and I like enough about myself to feel confident. Batling loves me the way I am and that really helps. I have a lot to give somebody, both as a submissive and as a friend and girlfriend, and I’m accepting that Batling really does want me completely. I’m not going to be scared about things going wrong with Batling, even though it would break me if something did. I’m not the most experienced submissive, but I know that experience isn’t everything and it’s where your submission comes from that counts. I’m still learning and developing and I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I am my own brand of submissive. Mummy’s created a hypnoslut and I love it.

Journey to the West: Her Skin

Pale and glowing, like the fullest moon
our love is as gentle and steady
like a ticking clock.
If I could live forever
I could master touching her skin.
Sunshine in to the places darkness hides.
She is my eternal child
and we will always know
where the other is like unseen eyes.
We will accept circumstance and
whoever gave us a chance
If I could live forever
I’d never master her soul
but I can breathe better just touching
her skin.

• What can’t you get enough of?

Mummy’s voice! It’s completely intoxicating, a fact babykat became sure of last night listening to her Geisha Speak podcasts. The response from babykat’s body, on hearing Batling’s voice, is something she never expected. But that was before Batling began exploring mind play…

• What does ’surrender’ mean to you?

A dictionary definition suggests ‘admitting defeat’ or ‘giving up’. Which sounds pretty negative. But for babykat, ‘surrendering herself’ in a D/s context means giving over not only her body, but her mind and emotions, fears, wants, needs for a Dom/me to see, whether it be purely for understanding or for use within a scene. Surrendering herself means that babykat can lose herself in play, not holding back parts of herself that O/others may wish to see.

• Do you test boundaries at times? Why or why not?

Yes, because at the moment babykat has few hard boundaries. She’s still growing, exploring and learning from scenes about her likes, dislikes and hard limits. Whether you feel you’ve reached a ‘plateau’ in realising your boundaries, she feels it is still important to test these or find new routes into other activities. Over time the BDSM dynamic can change and individuals may develop as people, not to mention as Dom/mes and submissives. Often the best things are found by chance discovery, don’t be afraid to explore!

• What, if anything, about sex distresses you?

Insecurities, body worries, ‘how bad do i look in this position‘. It’s less an embarrassment thing, because babykat won’t begin to feel embarrassed unless she thinks that her partner is aware of or bothered by the insecurity she has too, but it’s just something affecting her own mind. At 5ft 5, 130lb babykat never felt totally confident about her body. Yes, she’s always been happy with her chest and she likes that her feet aren’t inconveniently big and that she’s nicely hourglass-shaped. But insecurities about her stomach and thighs are often near the front of her mind during anything sexual. Probably it’s only her worrying. Babykat’s 2010 is starting on a bit of a health kick so…  the tummy is getting it! 

• Is trust in your owner a necessity for your surrender?

Yes. To give herself fully over to Batling, otherwise it ends up being half-hearted play that isn’t nearly as fun or fulfilling. But babykat trusts Batling, so that’s sorted.

• What are a few of your favorite things?

In the context of BDSM, see About babykat. Outside of BDSM, babykat is a complete geek for what she’s studying, geography. Particularly physical geography, geology, geomorpohology… fun, huh? Babykat cycles a lot, because where she lives it’s the easiest, cheapest and quickest way to get around. A good 10 miles a day usually. She also coxes, and rows when she has the opportunity. Love coxing! And, um. Doctor Who, Casualty, her yummy new bedsheets, her dollar coin from Batling and… a number of different foods!

• When are you most aware of being owned/submissive?

The obvious moments, like during a scene or ‘recuperating‘ after a scene, or after hypnosis. But less obvious times too, such when somebody asks about the chain on which Batling’s dollar hangs, or receiving a new restriction, rule, suggestion or task from Batling. Just after babykat climaxes and is locked again indefinitely. Or when Mummy mentions just the smallest things..

• When are you most peaceful?

Often when babykat isn’t allowed to orgasm, that’s the most peaceful time. Sure, she wants it and often that can lead to intense frustration. But when she simply puts it out of her mind and forgets about her ability to achieve that level of pleasure, she really can focus. On Mummy, or on tasks, or just on daily activities such as work or falling asleep. Obviously, denial can have completely opposite effects when babykat does play, or does let her desires reach the front of her mind as they so often do. But babykat’s learning to control herself. Equally, it’s just as peaceful after an orgasm. But then there are the less complex reasons for peace, such as chats with Batling or falling asleep holding her dollar coin. Or settling down to Casualty with a cup of tea!

• If SM is a part of your dynamic explain how pain works for you. Is it a sexual turn on, a healing release, a spiritual moment, a session of giving?

It’s a number of things, affecting babykat both physically and mentally/emotionally. The obvious attraction is the arousal, the way that pain heightens an orgasm dramatically. But it’s really the underlying emotional aspect that feel the best, and particularly fulfilling over a longer time. ‘Spiritual’ isn’t really the right word. It’s a moment when babykat can completely let go and release her emotions, whether they’ve been created by the scene or not.

• If you had the choice to leave the SM part of your relationship behind, could you?

That’s a hard question. Babykat never had this want, this need to be hurt before. But could she go back to that? It’s begun to feel like an itch, one that only pain can make go away. So, probably not? Of course, she could be forced but she’d never forget about it… nothing could replace it. Go check out thisgirl’s thoughts on it, her description is incredibly accurate. Here it is.

• Is there something you never thought you would do, but are considering it with your current partner?

So much! Batling feels so particularly special partly because she’s introduced babykat to a great number of new things. Babykat never thought she’d be brave enough to let somebody play with her mind, or admit to quite liking having her orgasms controlled. Batling has also been the person to cement something else in babykat’s mind. She is a masochist.

• What is one thing that you would never do sexually no matter what?

Anything with animals.

• Are you allowed to have and use pet names for you owner?

Babykat’s never been told not to. And she kinda wants to. But it’s difficult to find the perfect one, nothing can be all-encompassing and it isn’t really practical for ‘you amazing person’ to be a pet name. She calls Batling precious often, or pretty. Not really pet names. Maybe Mummy counts?

• When was the last time you had a mind-shattering orgasm?

-tries to remember- About two weeks ago, when babykat was in one of her moods. And Mummy indulged her. Babykat would have given up anything to be unlocked that night. Thank you, B.

• Do you have a meditation and relaxation ritual? What does it entail?

Babykat’s never been much into meditation, but her hypnosis routine before bedtime is something she does need to be able to sleep. She’ll get undressed, brush her teeth and all that, turn the lights out and settle into bed. Make sure she’s comfy, and has one of her plugs in if she wishes, lay back and settle her hands against her stomach before she starts one of the hypnosis sessions on her ipod. Usually she’ll listen to two, it depends. Right after they’ve finished, she’s suitably settled and relaxed to be able to sleep, and her mind is such that she’ll be thinking about Batling all night.

• Is love first or second in your dynamic?

First! No doubt about that. Babykat love Batling as a person, as a best friend and a girlfriend. But it doesn’t mean that the D/s dynamic has to be softer, if anything it strengthens it.

• Have you been through some form of orgasm training? This could be restriction or cum on command training or perhaps erotic hypnosis?

How did you guess? Erotic hypnosis began a month after babykat met Batling, and she’s never looked back. The Chastity hypnosis session is partially designed for orgasm training, more from the aspect of restriction rather than cum on command. Denial and creation of babykat’s urge to orgasm has been another side of Batling’s control. This more informal approach has been largely behavioural, and left orgasm as something babykat actively wants.

• Do you enjoy sensory deprivation or certain things you once took for granted? If it occurs within your dynamic:
  - Do you find it to be annoying/frustrating?
  - Do you find that it is just one way amongst many to remind you of your status?

Yes and no. Despite a number of fantasies about ‘complete control and dependence‘, babykat isn’t really sure that she’d happily tolerate a lifestyle with long-term periods of deprivation. Of course, it depends what it was, but deprivation of more basic needs and things to keep her feelings positive would soon lose its appeal of wanting to be completely controlled, she bets. Sensory deprivation is another thing, something babykat’s still exploring but so far can’t get enough of. It really heightens any physical attention, or any play focused on her mind purely because the sense deprived is one less thing to think about. Not to mention the submissive state of mind it puts you in. Lack of sight is the first, closely followed by lack of sound. Breath play is something that comes into it, too, but that’s a whole new story… Orgasm control and denial is something that does frustrate babykat often, but that’s overshadowed by the number of  positive feelings babykat has about it. She was so used to being able to cum daily, often more than once when she played, and now it’s something Batling has complete control over. Even, as babykat used to try before she realised just how strong her mind was that it wouldn’t happen, if babykat tries to fully focus on her fingertips, playing with her clit, playing for as long as she can before her arm falls dead, she just can’t cum. It definitely does remind babykat of her status, and in a way that’s not blindingly obvious but more exciting because of its intimacy.

• If you are masochistic, how do you process pain? Are you the silent type? Screamer? Crier? Is this what is expected of you? How does your partner prefer you to process pain?

That all depends on the build up, the intensity and the context. Mummy loves to see her babykat cry, looking like a true masochist expressing her emotions. But babykat will only begin to cry once it does get intense, whether that be through a deeper level of pain (or even just prolonged light pain… you know, when you’ve had the cool edge of a knife against your skin for what seems like forever, but you only wish They’d press a little harder?) or through a build up of emotions, frustration and arousal. It’s not just the physical pain itself that can push babykat over the edge to cry, moan, scream, beg, just let go. Babykat loves it when Mummy hurts her, and beyond that it’s a good way to let her feelings out, whatever way that may be in.

• Are you allowed to masturbate? Do you have any rules governing self pleasure?

Babykat is allowed to masturbate. But if she’s locked, she won’t. That’s not to say she won’t wear one of her plugs, because often feeling full provides just enough stimulation to  keep her satisfied, prevent her from masturbating more directly which will ultimately lead to complete frustration when her efforts don’t lead to a climax. It’s just a nice, indirect pleasure. It’s easier not to masturbate when she’s not able to cum, and babykat knows that now. There aren’t rules, but it’s almost as if babykat is training herself, with Mummy’s guidance through hypnosis, not to cum and therefore focus her attention elsewhere.

• Do you beg? How do you feel when you do?

Yes, babykat does beg sometimes. Most often for permission to orgasm. Begging makes her feel like such a whore, such a needy girl because she really doesn’t need what she’s begging for like she needs food or water. It’s just her wants getting the better of her. Especially when she’s begging to cum… how she’s become so involved in her own pleasure that it’s all that’s filling her mind. It’s a big enforcer of her status as a submissive too, the way that to be allowed that little push over the edge to climax, Batling must say yes. It gives Batling a huge amount of control, and babykat adores that. Secretly, she likes begging too. She likes being a whore. She is a bit of a whore deep down. It’s a turn-on to have to beg for it.

Thats it! New blog post up soon, -tugs at my dollar coin- and i’ll explain everything…

Romance in D/s Relationships: What do you consider romantic? How is romance alive in your dynamic? Is it different than if you were in a vanilla relationship?

True, meaningful romance is something that’s very hard to act. If you’re not somebody that’s naturally romantic, the usual gifts can just seem meaningless and cliché. Once you’ve found the right person, babykat believes that romance will flourish from within you, whether you were a naturally ‘sappy’ person to begin with or it’s something that’s come about from the strength of your love. Although events such as first dates, anniversaries or valentines can give a potential reason to be romantic in a way that differs from usual, romance shouldn’t be something confined to those days, and it shouldn’t be that you ‘become a romantic person’ to show love on these days. Whether the way you’re romantic is through a letter, a gift or a physical act, it’s the fact that it comes from within you that matters.

Babykat, naturally, is incredibly romantic. Just as much as she likes to be the receiving end of a gesture, she adores doing the whole romantic thing as one of the ways in expressing her feelings. Being in love has enhanced that. Romance hasn’t been something that has made the relationship between her and Batling stronger as such, but it’s definitely makes it more intense. No relationship could survive on romance alone, if it lacked a deeper connection. But in a loving dynamic, romantic acts can make each day feel more special, each hour feel more precious and each person feel more loved. It’s simply another way of conveying strong affection for one another.

Babykat has spoken to Dom/mes who don’t believe that romance is particularly essential in a D/s relationship, but that’s something which is hard to understand. The fact that Batling and her share a romance, beyond a straight BDSM dynamic, has never held back the way she expresses her feelings during a session, or the desires she has about Batling’s actions towards her. BDSM isn’t what’s most important in the relationship, and babykat could never have developed the feelings she does for Batling if it was purely based on D/s play. To be honest, romance has meant that scenes are often harder and more intense. There’s no feeling that hard scenes are the reason Batling wants babykat, and she knows that Mummy will be there for her afterwards so she’s happier to consent. Part of romance in the relationship is not only the connection during a scene, catching love in Batling’s eye as she’s just about to hurt her girl, but after the scene. There are times, yes, when babykat needs to be left alone after a scene, whether in tears or purely for time alone. But more often, it’s about going into a scene excited about not only play, but intimacy afterwards.

Romance in babykat’s relationship with Batling began with the smallest of gestures. Since there was not, until recently, a recordable turning point in the progression from friendship to a D/s relationship, babykat felt it difficult to know whether it would be okay to express the feelings she had particularly romantically. She felt so strongly for Batling that it was something which came naturally, but she was anxious that it wasn’t taken as silly, unnecessary or over the top. Of course, now she’s realised just how similar her and Batling are, and given the chance neither one could hold back from romance.

In a loving D/s relationship, play sessions are not only about enjoying time together and the physical connection that you have, but a way of expressing your feelings. Just like, in a vanilla relationship, if you knew your partner loved diamonds you might buy diamond jewellery for them when you most want to show your feelings. In her relationship with Batling, it’s the interests that they share which provide one route into romance. Any relationship could be romantic through the usual gifts, but it’s when it’s unique to the two of you particularly that it feels so meaningful. With Batling, little innocent suggestions such as pillow fort building or a Doctor Who night sound so especially romantic because they’re things both babykat and her love, and the fact that it’s together or that one person has remembered specially is what makes it so great. Since the relationship is a D/s dynamic, however, other interests are somewhat different to those of a vanilla relationship.

The first flutter of excitement babykat felt was down to romance was a simple mp3. The first hypnosis mp3 Batling sent babykat, and the one that would make her feel closer to Batling than ever. It was less the content of the mp3 that was romantic, despite the feelings it gave babykat, but the act itself. Babykat knew Mummy had sat down to record with babykat in her mind, said those words with babykat’s needs as the starting point, and Mummy’s desires for babykat, and babykat alone, were the reason she was recording. It was kinda done as a way to make Batling feel closer and more special, not to mention for babykat to experience hypnosis first hand for the first time. The gesture made babykat smile and the content made her feel that little bit more adored.

So much of a scene with Batling is based on love, trust and mutual enjoyment that, in babykat’s eyes, even the most sadistic of scenes could be deemed romantic. Textbook romance is based on a strong emotional attachment, and there are few times that babykat feels more attached to Batling than during a scene. Sure, telling each other, writing poems, letters or even just hearing the voice of the person you love can reignite the spark of feelings you initially felt becoming so attached to them, but some days it takes a scene to reassure babykat just how close they are when she’s feeling down. It’s nothing to do with the physical element in play. Not purely because sex, pain, play or whispered words makes it physically feel better. In a hypnosis session, it’s the mental ties between babykat and Batling that are so strong. Hypnosis provokes intense emotions that vary greatly depending on the image Batling is painting.. but, no matter the topic, they are sessions which are definitely romantic. Not solely a romantic gesture, like a poem or flowers may be, since there are so many other reasons Batling indulges babykat in hypnosis, but definitely romantic of sorts. It’s Batling that evokes the feelings babykat associates with a trance, and besides all the feelings the specific session aims to provoke it’s Batling at the forefront of babykat’s mind. After all, she is completely in control.

It takes a lot, a whole lot of love to completely give your submission to somebody. Babykat could be the most submissive girl and, if she didn’t feel the way she does for Batling, still could not fully submit to her. It’s babykat’s belief that to fully give a Dom/me your submission, your heart has to be in it too. A part of the submission babykat knows with Batling is because she loves her. She can give her everything without feeling scared, even the submissive parts of her that are connected so deeply to her emotions, her heart. Sometimes, just submitting to Batling feels like the most romantic thing babykat could do. That’s not the reason why she feels particularly submissive some days – it’s just a part of her and often becomes a more major part – but giving Batling not only her body, but her heart and her mind too, that feels like something special, something sentimental.

Babykat’s relationship with Batling wouldn’t be the same without sugar-sweet romance. Babykat knows that Batling loves her whether she’s sappy or not, but whether it’s giving a scene an edge or making nights feel less lonely, true romance is something babykat adores with Batling.

The past few days have been the happiest babykat has known with Batling. She’s realised that Batling shares so many more of her dreams than she had previously imagined, and precious time spent connecting with Mummy on valentines day made babykat feel all the more closer to her, made the things Mummy told her feel all the more special. So she shouldn’t feel this way, but she can’t help it. You can’t change the way people have treated you previously, or erase all the bad relationships to improve your confidence in the one that’s just knocked you off your feet.

Babykat is so worried, but she herself knows that it’s just silly.

She’s anxious, because Batling has found a Dom that seems to be a pretty good fit, and babykat has this inkling that Mummy will suddenly realise that He’s all she wants and He’ll begin to replace babykat.

Babykat could never go back, couldn’t let Mummy go when she’s still giving herself over to her.

It’s a completely irrational thought, when babykat sits down to think through it. She in no way doubts Batling’s love for her, it’s more a matter of doubting herself. It’s in no way about being unable to share or not desiring a Dom that’ll make Mummy feel happy. It’s no insecurity she can’t hide, or learn to move beyond, but it’s just one that pulls clouds over her happy mind when something reminds her of the way she’s been treated in the past. To put it simply, the Dom, and His growing relationship with Mummy, kinda intimidates babykat, makes her feel like the inexperienced one. Babykat is worried that the Dom is The Better Option.

Her relationship with Batling is nothing like the way other relationships have been, especially not others that have ended in the way that babykat is so anxious about. But when you’ve been hurt, treated as if you’re the worthless one, it still feels like a dream when somebody tells you they love you, tells you you’re beautiful. But if babykat trusted Batling, she shouldn’t think this way? Babykat does trust Batling, she couldn’t have fallen in love without complete trust, respect, the feeling that they understood one another. And it’s nothing that’s against Batling personally, babykat should really not still have this in her mind since it happened a good while ago. You just can’t change feelings, and it’s the bad ones that especially stick. When someone has convinced you you’re the only one, the special one, and then turns to sleep with one of his closest female ‘friends’, it’s impossible to come out of it confident that somebody still wants you.

It’s silly, because Batling tells her every day that she loves babykat, and she knows she means it. It’s indescribable the way babykat’s feelings are for Batling, the way they’ve progressed or the way that Batling becomes a little more precious every day. Deep down, babykat knows how much she means to Batling, and up until recently it’s been Mummy who’s been unsure that her feelings are reciprocated. Maybe we each just believe that the other is still too special to be our own. Babykat doesn’t know. She’ll feel better by next week, when Mummy’s package will have arrived and there’ll be.. an update. But it’s hard not to feel sick, scared that Mummy will suddenly take it back because babykat ends up feeling just like an extra to her.

Babykat really has moved beyond it, but Batling means so much to her that it would crush her to have her taken away.

Of course, Mummy having a Dom never destined babykat to belong to the Dom too. She doesn’t want that at all. She is sure that Mummy doesn’t want that either. Babykat completely understands that Mummy wants a Dom, and she never thought it something she would argue against. She only wants Mummy happy, and that she be happy too. She has nothing against a Dom, as long as He treats Mummy with the respect she’d like.

Babykat just doesn’t want to become the one that turns three into a crowd.

Babykat did. For maybe three or four years she wrote an entry every day, and it became a part of her. It almost began to control her. She’d feel like she had to document every mundane task that had been completed during the day, right down to her meals. She’d become frustrated and withdrawn if she skipped a day and had to fight to remember details from the past day and get them written down. These wouldn’t be quick notes either, it would almost be a minute-by-minute account of her activities. Certainly not like the kind of diary she has now, which is more simply schoolwork, important social dates and things to do or remember.

It seems silly now, really silly. As if she wanted to be able to look back on every day of her life, when she knew that really her diaries would never be read again. She began to realise this around age 15, when school and friendships became more important than spending her evenings on the crammed diaries. For a while she kept up the habit, writing about her feelings and experiences on particular days such as parties or special dates. But soon, this as well became a duty and, while she liked being able to express her feelings, she felt that it was no longer beneficial.

Diaries or journals are often used in a BDSM dynamic, as a ‘free space’ for submissives to express their thoughts. This means that they don’t need to feel hesitant discussing topics that they might not be comfortable addressing with their Dom/me directly, although in most cases the Dom/me will read what their sub has written. It may provide a basis for discussion, a scene or simply help the Dom/me in understanding their submissive better. Babykat feels that collecting her thoughts and emotions over time as a part of her blog would help her to manage them and assess how she’s growing as a submissive. Because she now feels like she’s learning more than ever, Batling is so experienced and makes her feel so comfortable as new aspects the relationship are explored. Babykat feels able to be completely open with Batling about her feelings, but often doesn’t want to feel she is boring Batling or straying too much from a specific topic she aims a blog post to be based around. So she feels a journal, not necessarily daily, will be the best way to spill out her feelings on events, scenes, emotions or just day-to-day life with her Batling.

It’s important to makes mistakes once, and babykat doesn’t doubt that she will. But she wants to be told when she’s not acting as would be best, so that she can learn for the future. The journal is designed mainly for babykat as her free space, not necessarily with a particular structure or title, and for Batling to read if and when she wishes. It’s in no way completely private, and babykat would appreciate feedback from O/others just as much.

Babykat wants Batling to know that she is trying hard to identify little habits that could affect their relationship in the future, and hopes to learn from mistakes like these. She knows she is still relatively new to the BDSM scene and babykat is still unconfident in herself sometimes, both during play and otherwise. It’s difficult when she wants so much to please Batling, that’s all she wants; to please Batling, and make sure she’s happy and proud of her babykat. She knows how deeply her submission is settled inside her, how much it is a part of babykat, but sometimes she still doubts whether she is acting the right way or behaving in the most respectful manner. Babykat doesn’t doubt her submission, or that Batling appreciates her as a submissive, but she just worries that her submission is the wrong kind, or not what Batling wants. Babykat just cares so much that she doesn’t want to have to let go.

Not to mention that babykat was aroused. Very aroused. She of course won’t let onto the detail, but two things had left her in a state of complete frustration, oversensititized and unable to focus. These two late night pleasures – Mummy’s phone sex with her, and babykat’s plug, had created a state both mentally and physically that was challenging her ability to cope with her ‘lock‘ quietly.

Babykat normally gets a rush out of being locked. The lock, as mentioned in her post ”The best control“, is in no way a physical one, but instead a mental trigger set into her mind during a hypnosis session on one of Mummy’s mp3s. Just the same as Mummy’s other mp3s, the more she listens to it the more it becomes a rule in babykat’s mind. It may only be a mental trigger, a word that babykat’s own actions made so important, but it’s becoming just as strong as the most unforgiving physical restraint. Having been listening to the mp3 as part of her routine for a number of weeks now, the trigger is beginning to show its true strengths.

From babykat’s point of view, there are two real elements to the trigger that allows babykat to climax. It is her belief that as she listens more and more to the mp3, the importance of each element will gradually change. The first is currently the strongest in her mind. You know the feeling, when you’re too stressed or tired or upset about something that you are unable to climax, no matter how much you try the usual feel-goods? It’s in relation to that, the inability to relax her mind enough to let a climax happen, or take her mind off other thoughts to let pleasure enter babykat’s head. Here, of course, the ‘other thoughts’ are that of Batling. Mummy doesn’t want her babykat to climax. She’s told her not to, and babykat wouldn’t want to go against Mummy’s will by doing so. Her ‘locked’ state is constantly on babykat’s mind, a reminder of control and submission, keeping it in her mind who ultimately has control over when she climaxes.  Her mind is just unable to relax enough to push herself over the edge to orgasm. The second aspect of babykat’s chastity is the one that ‘lock’ created and the one that babykat expects will become dominant with more listens to the mp3. That’s the actual feeling that babykat can’t, no matter how much pleasure she feels. Just like other trances paint a picture in her mind of the image described, or Mummy’s rules stated, this particular mp3 is painting a picture of a chastity belt Mummy has locked to her girl. It’s beginning to feel like an actual physical inability to climax, without that word, the key that triggers her orgasm.

Last night babykat had, as usual, been locked. And, as usual, the lock was on for an indefinite amount of time. Mummy never tells babykat when she’ll next be allowed to climax, because that adds to the excitement and the frustration that babykat experiences, and heightens the level of control Mummy has because she’s so able to taunt babykat with the prospect. There aren’t many words one would expect to have to beg for, especially in normal day-to-day life. Unlock is the word that babykat has become accustomed to begging for, now that Mummy keeps her locked so consistently. Babykat feels like a whore begging for it, really. Like a true submissive, and a dirty, needy one at that. It’ll end up being all that is on her mind, the six letters she revolves around whether she is close to a climax or just hopes for some time playing by herself. Babykat has become better at asking for it, because she knows that leaving it too late, too close to going over the edge, would really affect her if she was not allowed. She’s unsure whether her mind would let her climax, because of the state ‘lock’ puts her in, but she doesn’t want to find out. The prospect of climaxing without permission, and Mummy’s response to it, scares her.

That wasn’t the reason babykat felt cheeky last night. She didn’t want to try to push herself over the edge and see how Mummy would react. She’s more obedient than that! What she did want was to test herself under hypnosis. Babykat has spent so much time explaining to people lately, about the inability to move during a trance. If you’ve never experienced hypnosis, it really is hard to associate words with producing a physical inability. People are unsure, are convinced that it must just be a lack of concentration and mental focus on the task of moving. Even babykat was dubious it would produce such a response before she began her hypnosis journey. But she doesn’t want to repeat herself, as “The best control” already refers to this.

Last night she was curious, though. It wasn’t doubting Mummy, it was a lack of trust in the whole hypnosis process itself. Purely because it’s so amazing the effect it can have! Babykat was wondering, ’if i put my mind to it, maybe i could move?‘. Not because there was any desire to move, instead a curiosity thing. But also, she was very aroused. Normally if she plays during a session, it’ll be before or after the trance itself, but she wanted to play so much that her mind wandered. So she began the mp3, the chastity one she’s refered to, and reached the point at which she feels so oversensitized, where Mummy’s talking about touching her, feeling her, and babykat can literally feel her skin tingling. She was desperate to move. It would feel amazing to be touching the places around her body where these feelings concentrated, she thought. So she tried. Not kidding, she really tried. Just the one fingertip, just shifting her thighs open, the amount of focus babykat put into it.. And she couldn’t move. Her breathing quickened with anticipation, but none of the muscles she was putting so much focus into moving responded. She associates Mummy’s voice so much with arousal, and because of earlier activities last night especially so.

But Mummy’s voice truly is a taunt, because she just can’t move. She accepted that and lay back, found herself relaxing into the more passive of the two states she receives her hypnosis in – the one during which her mind is completely open, letting Mummy in like water flowing from an open tap. Babykat wasn’t even thinking about the words entering her thoughts, didn’t even imagine a picture, just let Mummy tap into her thoughts, take a hold of her without her consciously knowing. Because, after all, that’s the true submission in hypnosis. 

So babykat bets you’re thinking why? Why would somebody choose to be denied orgasms, and still continue with a dynamic that has potentially scary consequences? It’s all about submission. Babykat could never pretend that she doesn’t love being locked. It may sometimes frustrate her, make her behave needy and obsessed, not to mention make her pussy ache beyond belief, but ultimately the reason and love for being locked is beyond physical feelings.

To have somebody able to control the feeling that is often the reason babykat begins to play with herself for is a huge amount of power. Not just because it’s a natural progression from play to climax, but because of the mental state it puts you in. When babykat is locked, she knows that she is unable to climax and so often, she refrains from playing. There is still play without orgasm, or play followed by a request to be unlocked, but to refrain from playing often seems the easiest option. This in itself has beneficial consequences in Mummy’s relationship with babykat. Some days it’s hard for babykat to stop her hands wandering when she’s in a scene with Mummy, or just browsing the net. The latter is what makes lock hard, and the former is where it has so many benefits. Because when you’re touching yourself, your mind will never be fully on the scene, never truly focused. In babykat’s mind, that’s a problem. Mummy’s pleasure comes first, no matter how much Mummy likes to hear it when babykat plays, and Mummy’s pleasure should be the root of babykat’s concentration. If she’s playing and is thinking about her own climax, it isn’t. So despite the frustration, her chastity means that babykat isn’t tempted to play with herself and can therefore focus much better on the scene. Not to mention, it makes babykat want to orgasm. Really want it. It’s no longer the usual ‘that might be nice‘ or ‘i’ll feel better if i do‘ but it’s become a ‘please, please let me‘ kinda thing. Something that has put Mummy apart from other Dom/mes from the beginning has been her reluctance to play with babykat too much, so that it becomes something she actively desires. It’s become the same with climax, and babykat hopes that this is something which pleases Mummy.

Having such a restriction makes babykat more aware of her mood, to realise when she wants to come. It makes her realise just how many times during the day she would bring herself to climax if she could, and much more appreciative when she is allowed. It’s teaching her to be a better restrained, less one-track-minded girl during a scene, but ultimately has produced a dirty whore at other times as a result of that. Which is just another side of babykat that has a weakness, is becoming intoxicated by Mummy. Babykat likes being her whore, likes it when Mummy tells her what a whore she is for wanting it so much as to beg. After all, she can’t deny it.