Journal: Please don’t make me let go
Why is is that when you’re so happy, you can begin to cry at the blink of an eye?
The past few days have been the happiest babykat has known with Batling. She’s realised that Batling shares so many more of her dreams than she had previously imagined, and precious time spent connecting with Mummy on valentines day made babykat feel all the more closer to her, made the things Mummy told her feel all the more special. So she shouldn’t feel this way, but she can’t help it. You can’t change the way people have treated you previously, or erase all the bad relationships to improve your confidence in the one that’s just knocked you off your feet.
Babykat is so worried, but she herself knows that it’s just silly.
She’s anxious, because Batling has found a Dom that seems to be a pretty good fit, and babykat has this inkling that Mummy will suddenly realise that He’s all she wants and He’ll begin to replace babykat.
Babykat could never go back, couldn’t let Mummy go when she’s still giving herself over to her.
It’s a completely irrational thought, when babykat sits down to think through it. She in no way doubts Batling’s love for her, it’s more a matter of doubting herself. It’s in no way about being unable to share or not desiring a Dom that’ll make Mummy feel happy. It’s no insecurity she can’t hide, or learn to move beyond, but it’s just one that pulls clouds over her happy mind when something reminds her of the way she’s been treated in the past. To put it simply, the Dom, and His growing relationship with Mummy, kinda intimidates babykat, makes her feel like the inexperienced one. Babykat is worried that the Dom is The Better Option.
Her relationship with Batling is nothing like the way other relationships have been, especially not others that have ended in the way that babykat is so anxious about. But when you’ve been hurt, treated as if you’re the worthless one, it still feels like a dream when somebody tells you they love you, tells you you’re beautiful. But if babykat trusted Batling, she shouldn’t think this way? Babykat does trust Batling, she couldn’t have fallen in love without complete trust, respect, the feeling that they understood one another. And it’s nothing that’s against Batling personally, babykat should really not still have this in her mind since it happened a good while ago. You just can’t change feelings, and it’s the bad ones that especially stick. When someone has convinced you you’re the only one, the special one, and then turns to sleep with one of his closest female ‘friends’, it’s impossible to come out of it confident that somebody still wants you.
It’s silly, because Batling tells her every day that she loves babykat, and she knows she means it. It’s indescribable the way babykat’s feelings are for Batling, the way they’ve progressed or the way that Batling becomes a little more precious every day. Deep down, babykat knows how much she means to Batling, and up until recently it’s been Mummy who’s been unsure that her feelings are reciprocated. Maybe we each just believe that the other is still too special to be our own. Babykat doesn’t know. She’ll feel better by next week, when Mummy’s package will have arrived and there’ll be.. an update. But it’s hard not to feel sick, scared that Mummy will suddenly take it back because babykat ends up feeling just like an extra to her.
Babykat really has moved beyond it, but Batling means so much to her that it would crush her to have her taken away.
Of course, Mummy having a Dom never destined babykat to belong to the Dom too. She doesn’t want that at all. She is sure that Mummy doesn’t want that either. Babykat completely understands that Mummy wants a Dom, and she never thought it something she would argue against. She only wants Mummy happy, and that she be happy too. She has nothing against a Dom, as long as He treats Mummy with the respect she’d like.
Babykat just doesn’t want to become the one that turns three into a crowd.
